Why I went back to work after my baby.?

It’s been 13 months I’m back at work after my baby. ! Okay, this may sound normal for many people but not for me. Before getting into this, let me give a short recap of what I was doing pre-baby!

I am a software engineer by profession. Yes, I am a developer( I code for food) 🙂 It wasn’t my passion at first but I developed a liking for it. I started my career in India, the regular mundane IT story that anyone can relate to( Hell yeah, I did that late night releases too .. Woohooo! ).. Got married at 26, moved to the UK, and in the next few months I found “ANOTHER” IT  job in London. All went well, peaceful daily train travel, short stroll around the never-boring city, relatively less stressed day job ( compared to that in India). After 6 months into the job I found out we are having a baby. Everything went by our plan, I worked till 3 weeks before my due date and told I will be back to work in 10 months! Really? I asked my self because deep down my heart I wasn’t sure if I want to do that.

 

 

 
I had my baby 10 days over due and all was well, I had a very quite few months settling down with my tiny baby. I then got caught into the regular chores of being a new mum which almost got me forgot about going back to work. But by saying that I also had a constant thought what I was going to do about the October last week ( thats the week I should go back to work). I tried to push the thought away everyday because I was scared inside. I was scared what I was going to do? I wasn’t ready to go back to work, I wasn’t ready to send my son to day care, I wasn’t ready to leave my home and also I wasn’t ready to stay at home!

I know, its such conflict of thoughts. It was like having a WAR of THOUGHTS inside my head, there were days I had gone blank inside and out. Initially I secretly thought I was having post natal depression, but NO I wasn’t. Its just that I was scared to face this, I was scared to go back to the work, I was scared I would fail as a mum, I was scared my baby will need me but I was also scared I would lose my identity, I would lose my financially independence, I would lose my self-respect and I would lose MYSELF. I was still trying to run away from these thoughts, I was not ready to talk to myself about this.

One year passed and I still had a feeling that I was just a new mum with a new born baby ( I sound naive, I know). I also have to say, I was extremely lucky at work. They agreed to extend my maternity leave for another six months. I thought this was it, I have come to an end fighting with my own thoughts and its time I have to go back to work. As how much I thought I had to go back to work I was so much not ready to go back. I am also extremely lucky to have a supporting husband. Every time I asked him help to take a decision, he did the right thing of not giving any advice and rather asked me to do the right thing for myself. He insisted to give priority to myself over the kid, because If only I was happy I can parent my son happily. ( I think he was right!!!)

My baby was 15 months old,(I have to admit he was an easy child and quite independent), life started to become very monotonous, we both were doing the same thing everyday( we enjoyed every bit of it though). I realised I was doing nothing for myself, it was all about the baby and my family. I felt like a burden to myself not contributing enough to my family. This is not a nice thing to go through, was very difficult phase of my life and this feeling got me very sad and pushed into a depression.

I am not a person who gets depressed for things, I always try to rise up quickly and was very resilient. Being depressed was painful, I decided I have to pull myself up and face reality.  This was the time I let myself talk to my mind. This was the time I woke up from the NEW MUMMY SYNDROME. I answered every single question/doubts I had before. My mother has always been my source of strength, and she didn’t fail this time to give me a good dose.

I finally decided to go back to work full hearted, but this time it because I really WANTED to go back to work! I thought this was the only way I can get my SANITY back.!!!!!!!

I was confident my baby will do good in a daycare, he was not going to miss us. He will know that we will come back to pick him up. It’s not going to affect his childhood. I know its going to help us build a healthy family, it will be tough initially but I know we can survive well.I didn’t bother what people will say/judge for sending a 1.5 year to a nursery all 5 days a week! After all, I was brought up by a full time working single mother! I was sure nothing will go wrong!

Finally the day came, I dropped my son in the nursery and took my regular train to work with zero expectation. I have done this several times before but this time it was very different. My workplace had changed a lot in this 1.5 years, people moved and I knew only a handful of people who I had worked with (welcome to london work life :P). Days went by, so did months. In the next couple of months, we all got into a routine ( good one 😉 ) and we survived this new decision of mine.

Now 13 months later, I think this is the best decision I have ever taken in my life. There is no looking back now. If anyone who is reading this is in a similar boat, there is only one thing I want to tell you. Listen to your mind and do the right thing for you and  your family. Never prejudge things because someone else told you. You have more potential than what you think!!!

P.S : This post is a result of a conversation I had with my dear friend, Thanks Roh!

Sandhya